Grief & Bereavement — Part V
Clients who start the estate planning process do so with the knowledge that they will die one day. This death awareness comes with some degree of death anxiety, as well as anticipatory grief.
Grief & Bereavement — Part IV
All grief starts as anticipatory grief. Dr. Daniel Miller defines the term “anticipatory grief” as the “process of grieving that starts prior to a loved one passing away.”
Grief & Bereavement — Part III
Facing one’s mortality is the unspoken uneasiness that rests just below the surface of the conversation with an estate planning attorney. Estate planning attorneys are well-versed in the law of estate planning. But as they focus heavily on probate avoidance and tax minimization, they may overlook the emotional, human side of estate planning. Therefore, the best estate planning attorneys are counselors of law with the emphasis on counselor more than law.
Grief and Bereavement — Part II
Continuing from my last article, I believe that clients really want the estate planning attorney to help them meet their needs so that they can reduce their fear, anxiety and anticipatory grief in light of their knowledge of their inevitable death.
Grief & Bereavement — Part I
Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone special. The process of grieving allows the griever to adapt to a new world of existence without the loved one. If allowed to proceed through the grieving process with minimal guilt, anxiety, stress, unresolved issues and conflict, we can help each griever experience their grief fully and allow the griever to validate and honor the life of the deceased, and affirm and strengthen relationships with survivors.
Protect Pets After You’re Gone
Growing up, my family always had a pet. From dogs to cats to frogs and even a chicken for a day, pets have always been a part of my life. Today, our pet family consists of three dogs, a guinea pig, a bunny and frogs. Our pets are not just animals but members of our family. And like our family members, we want to ensure that they are taken care of after we are gone.
Adequate, Equal, Equitable or Fair?
Parents often struggle with the concepts of equal, equitable, fairness and adequacy when it comes to the distribution of their assets among their children. Defining these terms will help us make the decision that most closely reflects our intention.
The Two Asset Distribution Standards
As an estate planning attorney, I observe how families decide to distribute their assets among their children. I have seen two main standards used to determine the gift. First is the standard of meeting needs and wants. As parents, we know the needs and wants of our children, and do our best to meet both of these.
How to Choose the Best Fiduciary
Two of the most frequently asked questions I hear are “How do I choose a trustee?” and “Am I choosing the right trustee?” Here are six criteria to help you choose the right fiduciary for you.
Define Your Legacy’s Intentions
According to the book, Preparing Heirs: Five Steps to a Successful Transition of Family Wealth and Values, “60 percent of transition failures were caused by a breakdown of communication and trust within the family unit.” With the aging demographic of baby boomers, the high cost of living in Hawai‘i and the increase in multigenerational homes, the potential influx in trust litigation is foreseeable.
Passing on Keepsakes
Passing on keepsakes to those we care about and who we know will cherish them can be a meaningful experience. We hope that the recipient of these items will continue to find value and meaning in the keepsake long after we are gone.
A Recipe for Conflict
I have noticed a troubling emerging trend in estate planning. More families are owning property with different generations. This could be because real estate in Hawai‘i is expensive to purchase and even harder to maintain and keep. It is further exacerbated in situations where there are multiple children beneficiaries and/or where the parents need to leverage the equity in the home for their care, and are unable to access the equity due to a lack of income.
Estate Planning: Start With ‘Why’
Trust beneficiaries are sometimes left to wonder why a decedent instructed that a trust distribution be made in a particular way. The trust clearly identified who the beneficiaries were, what they were to receive and how they were to receive. But unfortunately, the trust was silent as to the “why” of the distribution — the underlying reason and purpose for creating the trust in the first place.
Trust, Talk & the Grieving Process
It’s natural to experience grief when we lose a loved one. While we often associate grief with the death of a loved one, we can also experience it when we get divorced or when ties with a friend become severed. Everyone experiences grief differently. Some are able to move on, while others are unable to process their loss.
Needs Planning During a Pandemic
I recently received a call from a concerned parent of an adult special needs child. Her son was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, refuses to take his medication and has been living on the street. Unable to physically care for her child and experiencing a health scare of her own, she decided it was time to get “her ducks in order” and contacted our office. Her main wish is to continue to provide financially for her son’s present and future care without disrupting his governmental disability benefits.
Estate Planning Mirrors Life
As a member of ACTEC, I am privileged to learn from and exchange ideas with some of the most skilled and dedicated trust and estate lawyers in Hawai‘i. I often wonder why most of our discussions focus on probate and litigation issues rather than on how we can help plan to mitigate family conflict and avoid probate.
Siblingship
Siblingship is the state of being related or interrelated, or a state of affairs existing between one of two or more individuals having one common parent. The term describes the unique, dynamic relationship existing between siblings. Siblings begin their relationship at a very young age. They experience joys and setbacks together — laugh and cry together. And through fighting, they can learn conflict resolution together. No other relationship is like siblingship.
Special Needs Planning
Over 54 million adults and children in the U.S. have a disability. The concerns of parents of disabled children are the same for most any parent — ensuring that their children are safe, happy and live a meaningful life. Some children may be unable to earn a living. Both the federal and state governments understand this and provide benefits so that they receive food, shelter and medical care.
What to Do Before a Loved One Passes
We have been receiving an increased number of phone calls from our clients’ children, notifying us about the imminent death of one of their parents. The children usually call in a panic, asking if anything needs to be done before their parent passes. We do our best to assist them; however, sometimes it is just too late.
Once a Child Becomes an Adult…
A frantic mother once called me after her daughter was injured in a ski accident. When she called the hospital to find out the status of her daughter, hospital personnel would’t release any information and didn’t allow her make decisions on her child’s behalf. Just imagine the stress this caused! This situation is all too common. When a child leave for college, for example, in the eyes of the law, he or she is now an adult and parental rights cease. This fact is often overlooked.
A Heartfelt Operating Manual
How nice would it be if your child was born with an operating manual? There are many parenting books out there, but none that are specifically made for your child. The obvious reason for this is because the only person who can write an operating manual for a child, is the person who is raising the child.
Spam, Eggs and Rice
A few years ago, I created the Heartfelt Advance Care Plan booklet to provide my clients with a tool to improve their end-of-life care, to honor their choices and to reduce conflict and guilt among surviving family members. Those who do fill it out usually comment about how difficult yet rewarding it was to complete. Asking and answering detailed questions about end-of-life wishes, regardless of how difficult it may be, is tremendously helpful to both the dying and their survivors.
Adequate, Equal, Equitable, or Fair?
We often struggle with the concepts of equal, equitable, fair, and adequate when it comes to the distribution of our assets among our children. Understanding the meaning of each term helps us make the decision that most closely reflects our intention.
Honoring the Mighty Pen
Making an estate plan that clearly documents intention helps surviving family members avoid fighting; especially in court. Yet lawyers will write the estate plan for exactly that purpose — writing as if it were going to be fought over in court. I call this legalese legal dis-ease. Write your intentions down in your own hand-writing for inclusion in your estate plan so that you don’t risk miscommunication or misunderstanding among surviving family members.
Understanding Grieving Styles
There is no “good grief” or “bad grief”— there is only grief. Drs. Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin* suggest that there are two types of grievers: “instrumental” and “intuitive.” Neither type is deficient; only different. Understanding the difference can allow family members to empathize with, rather than attribute bad motives to, another family member.
Tension over Intention
It is not just families who disagree about the interpretation of legal documents. There seems to be tension among estate planning attorneys in regard to recommending that clients write down their heartfelt intentions to accompany those documents. Many lawyers believe that it is the form that is most important — that the written legal language will communicate their client’s heartfelt wishes. Others believe that, no matter how carefully written, the form alone cannot transfer intention.
By Invitation Only
Ideally, estate planning is “by invitation only.” Most people misunderstand this to mean that we, as the lawyers, are the ones doing the inviting. In actuality, it’s you, the clients, who are doing the inviting, by inviting us into your unique and textured lives.
Our Care, Our Choice
Before you panic about the new “Hawai‘i Aid in Dying Law,” it’s a great law but not for the reasons you may think. Governor Ige signed the Our Care, Our Choice Act on April 5, 2018 and it will become law on January 1, 2019. The new law’s purpose is to establish a regulated process whereby a mentally competent adult resident of Hawai‘i with a terminal illness and less than six months to live may choose to end life with a prescription.
Distributions – Consider Two Standards
As an estate planning attorney, I have the privilege of observing how families decide how to distribute their assets between and among their children. I have come to understand that there are two distinct standards that parents use to determine the gift. First, there...Thanatology Makes Us Think
I am honored that Marian University accepted me into the Masters of Thanatology program this past Fall. “Thanatology? What is that?” is the common remark I hear when I tell people of my new adventure. A thanatologist is a designated thinker about death. They help...Family Peacekeeping Methods
Central to the Hawaiian culture is the value of ‘ohana,’ or family. Maintaining the “family health” was of utmost importance and was achieved through the regular practice of ho‘oponopono. In the article, “To Set Right Ho‘oponopono A Native Hawaiian Way of...A Wise Estate Plan Includes the ‘Whys’
Estate-planning attorneys offer three types of estate plans: the one-size-fits-all, default “state plan;” the standard “black and white” plan; or the “meaningful” estate plan. If you do nothing, the State of Hawai‘i has the Guardianship and Probate Court, which is a...The Importance of ‘The Conversation’
By Stephen B. Yim, Attorney at Law I often stare, somewhat embarrassed, at my creation of legal documents on behalf of my clients — especially after I explain my role — to clearly speak clients’ intentions at a time when they can no longer speak. Inevitably, the black...Reflecting on What is Important
I had been preparing to write about the importance of conversation in estate planning while watching a documentary on HBO called Cries From Syria. In the midst of this heart-wrenching story about the Syrian situation—a girl, who could not have been older than 8 or 9—facing death from starvation and preparing her will. It had nothing to do with money.
Estate Planning From the Inside Out
I’ve noticed that many people approach estate planning from the outside in, rather from the insideout. For example, many people want to “avoid probate” or “minimize tax” as a primary goal — good goals, for sure. If we stop there, we miss the opportunity to explore the...Capturing the Heart of an Estate Plan
The usual response I receive when I ask, “What brings you here?” during an initial meeting with clients, is, “To avoid probate and minimize taxes.” Avoiding probate and taxes are good goals, and easy to resolve. The much more difficult — and much more meaningful work...Make Yours a Soulful Estate Plan
If an estate plan is our final personal and intimate letter to our loved ones, why is it that we can’t understand it when we read it? This last intimate writing should be full of our unique, personal and emotional voice, yet, it reads like a sterile contract, devoid...The Hidden Costs of Probate Court
The Hidden Costs of Probate Court by Stephen B. Yim, Attorney at Law from the Oct-Nov 2016 issue of Generations Magazine, Hawai‘i’s Resource for Life
Put Your Voice Into Your Estate Plan
Put Your Voice Into Your Estate Plan by Stephen B. Yim, Attorney at Law from the August-September 2016 issue of Generations Magazine, Hawai‘i’s Resource for Life
Sycamore Row
Sycamore Row by Stephen B. Yim, Attorney at Law from the June-May 2016 issue of Generations Magazine, Hawai‘i’s Resource for Life
Beware the Joint Account
A joint bank account with a child can be an efficient, effective, and simple estate planning tool. Either of the joint owners can write checks, and the survivor can continue to use the account after one owner dies. However, a joint account can be fraught with problems...The Most Difficult Conversation
During the winter break, I read a book called Difficult Conversations, how to discuss what matters most. The authors teach ways to engage in conversations, maintain good relationships and convey and receive meaning and intentions without blame and defensiveness. They...Start with Why
Lately, I’ve had questions from beneficiaries of trusts asking “why did the decedent make the trust distribution a certain way?” The trust clearly identified who the beneficiaries were, and what they were to receive and how they were to receive it. Unfortunately the...A Conversation About Life
This past year, our office established the Heartfelt Legacy Foundation™, which in turn, purchased the right to associate with Honoring Choices®. This national group is raising awareness about making end-of-life choices, encouraging family discussions so that loved...Estate Planning for College Students
I recently received a call from a client who has a daughter attending college on the Mainland. Her daughter had been in a ski-accident and was in the hospital. When the mother called the hospital to find out her daughter’s status, they would not release any...Lost in Translation
Did you play the game “grape vine” as a child? You whisper something to someone who whispers it to another, until the last person gets the message. The last person says the message out loud. At best, it is a very garbled version of the original message. Think about...History, Herstory, Yourstory
One Sunday morning, a few years back, I was out driving on the North Shore, headed to Starbucks for my morning cup of coffee. The traffic wasn’t light, as it was surf season, which means it was pretty crowded with only one lane going in each direction. I noticed in my...After The Pause
I like to call our meeting room where we meet to discuss estate planning “the pause room.” When we enter and close the door, and leave outside all the busy-ness in our lives — we put only the matters relating to estate planning on the table. We pause for about an...It’s Like Going To The Eye Doctor
When we go to the eye doctor to get a new prescription, the doctor will have us look through many different lenses, constantly asking us which lens provides us with the clearest vision. Much like the eye doctor, I believe that the role of the estate planning attorney...Our Story
I have had the great fortune to be able to go on a cruise this summer with my family and visited many different places in Europe. We barely heard any English spoken on this trip and while the languages are varied, I’ve noticed more commonalities than differences among...Backwards Planning
In my 19 years as an estate planning attorney, I’ve noticed that many of the things we do as attorneys seem backward. The consequence of backward estate planning is dire, causing failed estate plans and fractured family relationships. To ensure a successful estate...Legal: The Family Meeting
Clients often ask me, “Do you do like they do in the movies, where the attorney sits with the family and reads the will after someone dies?” I tell them that I never do that after someone dies. Most clients then respond, looking puzzled, “You don’t?” I then explain...Legal: Siblingship
siblingship [sib-ling-ship] noun (November 9, 2013): 1. The state of being related or interrelated 2. A state of affairs existing between one of two or more individuals having one common parent. You will not find this word in the dictionary — it is a new word as of...Estate Planning: Preventing the Fight
You kids, don’t fight when I’m gone. These were always my Mom’s words as she left to go grocery shopping, and left my brothers and me home alone. I remember, as soon as we’d heard the car leave the garage, we would start fighting over something. Now as an adult, I...Honoring End-of-Life Choices
Our community is facing a crisis, most recently evidenced by the Karen Okada case. The local news recently exposed this crisis, reporting that Ms. Okada made a living will in 1998 where she stated that she did not want her life to be “artificially prolonged” at “end...Special Needs Planning
Statistics reveal that about 16% of children in the United States have some sort of disability. The concerns of parents of these children are the same for most any parent and that is to make sure that their children are safe, happy, and live a meaningful life. Some of...Time for a Meeting
Many people think that when they retire they would be able to travel, or sit and read a book worry-free. Sadly, many also express that their experience during retirement is not at all that way. Some are caring for spouse’s who have dementia or other mental or physical...Legal: Fighting Over Assets?
“My parents made a trust with a lawyer. Why is it not working and the trustee and beneficiaries are fighting over the assets?” Sadly, these are words I often hear from families who call me after the second parent dies to settle their parents’ estate. The Trust might...Who’s to Get My Personal Assets?
QUESTION: Should I write instructions for my jewelry and other personal assets in my Will? ANSWER: Yes. The best method to use is a “Personal Property Memorandum.” State of Hawai‘i law allows you to legally make your own list of beneficiaries of tangible personal...Creditor-Protection Gets a Boost
Due to recent changes in our state law, Hawai‘i is one of a handful of states that affords creditor-protection to those who hold “Tenants by the Entirety” property. Tenants by the Entirety is a method by which married couples have equal interest in a property and hold...Add the Color Into Your Estate Plan
Leaving one’s legacy, in my opinion, involves much more than writing a Will to say who gets your things when you die. It involves reaching into your past and telling your life story including recalling specific memories, telling of family history, expressions of love...Are You a Planner?
The end of your life begins now While more Americans are living longer, they will inevitably cope with one or more chronic conditions and disability. Recent statistics reveal that more than 70 percent of individuals in their 80s have some degree of dementia or...The Third Guarantee: Change
An often-heard quote about lifetime guarantees is the one about death and taxes. I would suggest that there is a third guarantee — that life changes. Nothing stays the same. So, once you’ve completed your estate plan, you’ll want to review it every so often to address...Legal: Make It Personal
In planning our estate, we often spend much of our energy on deciding how to distribute the home and the cash, and we often overlook the personal items. In my practice, I see families distributing large sums of money and real estate rather smoothly. Then, when it...
Events in May–June 2023
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SMP HAWAII 2023 Web Series on Fraud and Abuse
SMP HAWAII 2023 Web Series on Fraud and Abuse
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May 8, 2023Senior Medicare Patrol (SMP) Hawaii invites you to its 20/23 Web Series on Fraud Prevention: Scam Free in 2023. Learn from Hawaii residents, and local and national experts, including top security officers from American Savings Bank, Bank of Hawaii and First Hawaiian Bank, the Medicaid Fraud Control Unit - Hawaii Department of the Attorney General; Better Business Bureau and the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) Foundation.
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The Realities of Aging
The Realities of Aging
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May 17, 2023
You're invited to join host Percy Ihara today for our monthly workshop at the Ala Moana Hotel. Topics include finances, gerontology, legal mistakes, support services, long-term care options, reverse mortgages and many more. Call 808-600-4383 to RSVP. Seating is limited. 8:30am – 4:30pm
Ala Moana Hotel410 Atkinson DriveHonolulu, HI -
Valley of the Temples Sunday Seminar
Valley of the Temples Sunday Seminar
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May 21, 2023You're invited to enjoy a catered lunch and seminar at Valley of the Temples in Kaneohe at noon on Sundays, May 21, June 4, July 16 and July 23.
Valley of the Temples Memorial Park -
Makaha Sons & Friends benefit for Alzheimer's Association
Makaha Sons & Friends benefit for Alzheimer's Association
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May 24, 2023
Musical memories will come alive on Wednesday, May 24 at 7:00 p.m. as The Makaha Sons and Hawaii Theatre host Music & Memories, a concert to benefit the Alzheimer’s Association – Hawaii. Honoring and celebrating music’s role in our lives and the memories that come alive through music, the concert will feature a lineup of local, talented musicians including Nā 'Ukulele 'Ekolu, Kawika Kahiapo, Bobby Moderow, Jr., Robi Kahakalau, and The Makaha Sons.
Hawaii Theatre -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living Community -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living Community -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living CommunityContinuing Henrietta Lacks' LegacyContinuing Henrietta Lacks' Legacy
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May 27, 2023Henrietta Lacks was a Black woman who was diagnosed with cervical cancer which quickly consumed her body despite treatment. She died at only 31 years of age in 1951. While undergoing treatment, researchers took samples of her cancerous tumor and Henrietta’s HeLa cells changed the world. Henrietta's phenomenal HeLa cells continue to lead to the most significant advancements of our time, from polio to the Human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccines.
Hear from Alfred Lacks Carter, Jr., Henrietta’s grandson, about her story and how her descendants honor her legacy.University of Hawaii Cancer Center -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living Community -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living Community -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living Community -
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
'Ilima at Leihano Toy & Towel Pet Supply Drive
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May 25, 2023 – May 31, 2023‘Ilima at Leihano senior living community in Kapolei is hosting a Toy & Towel pet supply drive to help local shelter pets. The public is invited to take a "paws" for a good cause by simply driving up to drop off donations on a table located at the ‘Ilima front entrance, or donors can buzz the door and care associates will help to collect the items. Requested donations include unopened, unexpired pet food, supplies, towels, and toys
'Ilima at Leihano Senior Living Community -
Valley of the Temples Sunday Seminar
Valley of the Temples Sunday Seminar
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June 4, 2023You're invited to enjoy a catered lunch and seminar at Valley of the Temples in Kaneohe at noon on Sundays, May 21, June 4, July 16 and July 23.
Valley of the Temples Memorial Park47-200 Kahekili HighwayKaneohe, HI 96744 -
Senior Health & Fitness Fair
Senior Health & Fitness Fair
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June 16, 2023
The Hawaii Okinawan Center presents a day of products and services for seniors, including valuable information for caregivers and their family; health, safety, financial, cultural booths. Win a 4-night stay at the California Hotel in Las Vegas courtesy of Vacations Hawaii. Free admission.