You were married for 45 years and now you’re alone because your lovely wife passed a while back. You’re wanting companionship and thinking even about dating. Your health is good, you’re active and your cognitive abilities are still relatively intact. You play golf, go for long walks, sip on an occasional glass of wine and love to watch classic movies. So how does one find companionship in the Final Frontier of Life — just someone to hangout with? You’re past the bar scene, so where do you go? Here are my thoughts.
The best place I think would be Whole Foods. Lots of ladies of means (it is Whole Foods, after all) are filling their carts with all sorts of healthy goodies. So if you see someone who attracts you, just bump her cart with your cart. After that gentle nudge and in a casual way, say, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry.”
Then, quickly scan her cart items and make a comment: “Oh, I love that kind of quiche. Along with a fresh salad and a glass of crisp white wine, it’s my fav.” And if she responds by saying “Oh, I love that combination, too!” well then, the door has just been opened. You can then respond by saying something to her in a non-creepy way: “Is your name Cholesterol, because you send my blood pressure skyrocketing!” And if she laughs out loud and says that’s the funniest darned pickup line she’s ever heard, boom, you’re in!
What about this line after a brief conversation with a “bumpee?” “Your company is so delightful, I’m contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.” That’s a keeper. Garans ballbarans, she’ll love it.
Last one: Again, when delivering your line don’t rush it and don’t be too serious. Be playful and wear your best non-lecherous smile. “My teeth and I no longer sleep together, but you and I definitely should!” Security! Too much? My bad.
If Whole Foods isn’t your scene, try making the pharmacy at Longs a part of your day. You’re bound to meet a charming woman while she’s waiting for her Warfarin.
Just remember, while you are shopping for some “chow fun” with these priceless pickup lines, its all in the delivery — because if she calls for security, you’ll be hustled out of the store and asked never to return. It may even go on your permanent record. So don’t be too over-confident in the delivery of your line. Wear a sweet smile. (Make sure your dentures are in.)
Be adorable, innocent and childlike… like me.