Category: Giving Care

A Family Legacy of Caregiving

To say Marie was a brat is an understatement! Her response was always a wrinkled-up nose and an “ewe-da!” Although we lived worlds apart, my cousin was like a sister to me. She grew up caring for her autistic brother. Then, when her parents divorced, she cleaned and cooked for her brother and mom while Mom worked.

Taking care of them left little time or energy for a husband, so her attempts at wedded bliss resulted in three failed marriages. Next, she moved into public housing and worked at a fast-food restaurant while caretaking her own two children, her brother and mother, who was now battling liver cancer. With her mom’s care becoming more demanding, she reluctantly placed her brother in assisted care. Then Mom passed away, taking a piece of her daughter’s heart with her.

On a routine visit, Marie found her brother unresponsive. He had taken his own life. Shaken to the core, she stopped working and relied on her now-grown children to support her.

The miracle of twin grandchildren renewed her energy and joy, attracting the love of her life. But then she received a diagnosis of Stage 4 liver cancer. With everything to live for, she fought hard to survive.

Ultimately, Marie lost her battle with cancer. Although her body was defeated, her enduring spirit lives on in my memories of her, giving me the strength to continue to care for caregivers.

GIMME A BREAK (nonprofit)
808-754-3787 (text only) | savy@gab808.org
gab808.org

To say Marie was a brat is an understatement! Her response was always a wrinkled-up nose and an “ewe-da!” Although we lived worlds apart, my cousin was like a sister to me. She grew up caring for her autistic brother. Then, when her parents divorced, she cleaned and cooked for her brother and mom while…
Lawmakers Must Step Up for Caregivers

That nearly one in four people in Hawai‘i is or recently was a family caregiver comes as no surprise to Judith Wong.

The Honolulu resident is caring for her husband, who was diagnosed with a degenerative muscular disease in 2016.

“His disease is very long-term,” she said. “It will not kill him. It will disable him. So I have concerns about whether we will have adequate resources to carry us all the way through without putting us in a financial bind.”

The “Caregiving in the U.S. 2025: Caring Across States” report confirms what we’ve long known: Family caregivers, numbering about 260,000 in Hawai‘i, need our support.

Family caregivers like Judith provide more than $2.6 billion in unpaid care each year in Hawai‘i, helping adult family members remain at home—where they want to be. They help with bathing, cooking, managing medications, driving to the supermarket/doctor appointments and handling medical tasks, sometimes with little or no caregiver training.

Being a caregiver is hard, demanding work. It takes a toll on your finances, on your body and on your mental health.

Caregivers who work must balance the needs of their jobs with the needs of their loved one. About 80% of caregivers pay out of their own pocket for caregiving expenses, an average of about $7,200 a year. Many reduce work hours or quit working, further straining finances. About half report taking on debt and draining savings. AARP Hawai‘i is fighting to provide greater support to family caregivers through state and federal tax credits, paid family leave and incentives to ease the workforce shortage of paid caregivers. AARP Hawai‘i offers free caregiving tools and resources at aarp.org/caregiving.

AARP Hawai‘i also created a nationwide movement to empower family caregivers. Called “I Am A Caregiver,” it asks caregivers—and people who support caregivers—to raise their hands and show lawmakers that they can’t continue to ignore the needs of people who care for others.

Join AARP Hawai‘i at aarp.org/iamacaregiver or share your caregiving story with us via email at hiaarp@aarp.org.

AARP HAWAI‘I (nonprofit)
1001 Bishop St., Ste. 625, Honolulu, HI 96813
866-295-7282 | hiaarp@aarp.org
aarp.org/hi | facebook.com/aarphawaii

That nearly one in four people in Hawai‘i is or recently was a family caregiver comes as no surprise to Judith Wong. The Honolulu resident is caring for her husband, who was diagnosed with a degenerative muscular disease in 2016. “His disease is very long-term,” she said. “It will not kill him. It will disable…
How to Avoid Caregiver’s Guilt

“Something bad will happen if I am not there.” It’s the familiar fear of caregivers everywhere. Caregivers often live under the constant pressure that their presence alone keeps disaster from striking. This deeply human belief can trap us in emotional chains and lead to exhaustion.

Many caregivers feel indispensable. “No one else helps. I’m the only one who really cares.” That conviction brings both pride and pain. It can create burnout and isolation. While some caregivers may be more attentive than others, awareness is not the same as control.

Professionals—nurses, aides and physicians—are taught an essential truth: Even with the best care, decline still happens. Family caregivers must learn the same lesson. Old age is fatal. Our role is not to save lives, but to make lives as safe, comfortable and anxiety-free as possible.

Accepting this truth eases guilt. The work, the stress and even the emotional strain remains, but perspective allows us to let go of the belief that everything depends on us.

Understanding ‘Guilt’

Real guilt results from knowingly doing harm. Most caregivers don’t do that. What we often feel is anxiety, sadness or regret , not guilt. Worrying about what happens when we take a break makes us human, not guilty. Unless you wear a cape, you cannot prevent every fall, illness or misstep.

Of course, there are times when guilt is appropriate—if we lose control, ignore a need or fail to act. But even then, guilt should lead to change: Seek help; share the load; adjust your caregiving plan. For most, guilt is misplaced and undeserved.

The Power of Respite

The cure for caregiver fatigue and misplaced guilt is respite—planned time away from caregiving. National caregiving organizations recognize it as essential to caregiver health. While paid respite care can be expensive, options exist, including professional in-home aides, short-term nursing home stays, trained volunteers, or trusted friends and family.

Tech tools such as lotsahelpinghands.com can help coordinate schedules and share responsibilities among your caregiving “team.” Even small breaks restore balance and perspective.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Think of the man holding a bucket of water but dying of thirst because he’s afraid to set it down and take a drink. Don’t let misplaced guilt stop you from caring for yourself. Taking care of yourself is part of caring for your loved one.

Recognize what you can control, prepare for what you cannot and give yourself permission to rest. When you care for yourself, you return stronger, more patient and better able to continue giving care—with hope and without guilt.

THE CAREGIVER FOUNDATION (nonprofit)
926 3rd St., Pearl City, HI 96782
808-625-3782 | info@thecaregiverfoundation.org
thecaregiverfoundation.org

“Something bad will happen if I am not there.” It’s the familiar fear of caregivers everywhere. Caregivers often live under the constant pressure that their presence alone keeps disaster from striking. This deeply human belief can trap us in emotional chains and lead to exhaustion. Many caregivers feel indispensable. “No one else helps. I’m the…
Namaste Care for Dementia Patients

Namaste Care is a sensory-focused program for people with dementia living in a care home. It’s especially helpful for those in the later stages of dementia who may not be able to join in traditional activities due to a loss of abilities.

Facilities with a dedicated space that includes elements like mood lighting, fish tanks, lava lamps, essential oil diffusers and relaxing music have anecdotally been found helpful in creating a sense of calm and reducing agitation. Namaste Care guests may also receive a hand or foot massage, hydration and a snack.

The attention given to the sensory experience of the guest is what allows this modality to be accessible, even in later stages of dementia. Though more research is needed, many case studies have shown a reduction in anxiety after dementia patients attend a Namaste Care session. Sometimes the relaxation and calm may last well beyond their time in the Namaste Care room. As care home residents are often at risk for isolation, the Namaste Care program provides them an opportunity to experience a soothing touch and physical connection while engaging them in a meaningful activity.

MANOA COTTAGE KAIMUKI
748 Olokele Ave., Honolulu, HI 96816
808-800-4089 | info@manoacottage.com
manoacottage.com
Namaste Care guide online: tinyurl.com/CareGuideDownload

Namaste Care is a sensory-focused program for people with dementia living in a care home. It’s especially helpful for those in the later stages of dementia who may not be able to join in traditional activities due to a loss of abilities. Facilities with a dedicated space that includes elements like mood lighting, fish tanks,…
Caring is Sharing in a Group Setting

Maria no longer felt doubtful after her warm welcome at the pau hana gathering. Her dad recently moved into a care home, but she and her siblings had second thoughts about the move when he pleaded to go home. She spoke softly then smiled after other attendees shared their own stories. By the end of the hour together, Maria’s eyes sparkled with relief. She wasn’t alone after all. Relaxed, regular talk-story gatherings with caregiving team members are like a warm blanket for families who receive empathy, guidance and friendship to help cope with aging decisions, burnout or strained family relationships. These types of group meetings provide an opportunity for families to learn from each other so no one feels lost or alone when making life decisions.

Caregiving professionals can also offer support and valuable information. Storytelling and reflection can unify gathering attendees and remind us all to honor each other as energizers who lead their families’ rites of passage. Whether or not you are able to regularly attend structured meetings with your inner circle, we encourage you to follow through on your bucket lists for your own rest and relief, and share your stories with trusted people you can rely on for support.

CARING MANOA
Type II Expanded Adult Residential Care Home
2383 Beckwith St., Honolulu, HI 96822
808-850-5999 | info@caringmanoa.com
caringmanoa.com

Maria no longer felt doubtful after her warm welcome at the pau hana gathering. Her dad recently moved into a care home, but she and her siblings had second thoughts about the move when he pleaded to go home. She spoke softly then smiled after other attendees shared their own stories. By the end of…
Key Roles in Long-Term Care Planning

Long-term care events can happen without warning—and in an instant, everything changes. Having long-term care insurance is important, but what truly matters is having the right people by your side. Without them, even the best policy benefits can be delayed or go unused.

Here are some of your key team players:

◆ CARE ADVOCATE

This is the person who knows the plan, where relevant documents are and who to contact. They know how to file claims and make sure benefits are accessed without delay.

◆ RESOLUTION ADVOCATE

After the crisis, this person handles transitions, expenses and tasks. They bring closure and peace of mind during emotionally difficult times.

◆ FINANCIAL ADVOCATE

This person ties your care plan to your overall financial goals. They help prevent financial strain by preparing for care costs, coordinating accessible benefits and building a strategy that protects your assets and family’s legacy.

Having insurance is one thing. Knowing how to use it and who will help is everything.

Building a strong long-term care team is vital in order to ensure that you and your family are prepared for future care needs.

HAWAI‘I LONG-TERM CARE SOLUTIONS
1555 Ala Puumalu St, Honolulu, HI 96818
808-330-4691 | roger@rogerhiga.fun
HawaiiLongTermCareSolutions.com

Long-term care events can happen without warning—and in an instant, everything changes. Having long-term care insurance is important, but what truly matters is having the right people by your side. Without them, even the best policy benefits can be delayed or go unused. Here are some of your key team players: ◆ CARE ADVOCATE This…
How to Find the Right Senior Care Home
Gen Xers may find themselves helping parents age in place at home or at a senior care facility. Finding the right senior care home requires careful planning, research and consideration of a variety of factors:

Consider your parents’ current and future needs. Are they independent, need memory care or a higher level of care? Does a chronic illness require special care?

Choose a location that works for everyone. A senior facility in close proximity to family makes visiting more manageable.

Financial planning is crucial. Understand what is included and what additional services will cost. Review long-term care insurance and what is covered. Familiarize yourself with your parents’ pensions, which can help offset costs.

Take a tour. Is the facility well-kept and odor-free? How do staff members treat residents? Would your parents prefer an active or quieter environment? Are daily activities offered? Request a lunch tour for you and your parents to assess the food.

Choosing a senior care home for your parents is a major decision. But after considering these questions and doing your research, trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, keep searching to find a place where your parents will feel safe, cared for and happy.

THE PLAZA ASSISTED LIVING
900 Fort Street Mall, Ste. 1722, Honolulu, HI 96813
808 628-6635 | nkamai@plazaassistedliving.com
Plazaassistedliving.com
Gen Xers may find themselves helping parents age in place at home or at a senior care facility. Finding the right senior care home requires careful planning, research and consideration of a variety of factors: Choosing a senior care home for your parents is a major decision. But after considering these questions and doing your…
Independence & Senior Living

Eleanor Katz used to drive to a gym for her exercise classes. When she wanted to dine with friends, she arranged it. When she volunteered (a passion since this New York native was living in Brooklyn), she left her home to do so. Now she does all those things at the senior living community where she resides on O‘ahu.

So if you are hesitant about making the move to a senior living community because you fear it will decrease your independence, Eleanor says, don’t worry.

“There are many things I like to do that I still do,” says Eleanor, an avid reader and walker. “I participate in exercise classes, for example. I volunteer at our thrift shop. I see my son and my daughter-in-law. I like to travel. I maintain my independence, but in a convenient way.” Her senior living community enables her to set aside time for the things she likes to do, like going out to visit friends and family.

A senior living community can enhance your life by creating opportunities that support overall mind-body-spirit well-being and independence.

“The entire staff — housekeeping, dining room and maintenance staff — all know us by name,” Eleanor says. “They’re all very professional, and they’re also very warm and caring.”

GOOD SAMARITAN SOCIETY – POHAI NANI
45-090 Namoku St., Kaneohe, HI 96744
808-247-6211 | good-sam.com

Eleanor Katz used to drive to a gym for her exercise classes. When she wanted to dine with friends, she arranged it. When she volunteered (a passion since this New York native was living in Brooklyn), she left her home to do so. Now she does all those things at the senior living community where…
Self-Care for Caregivers

Caregivers are at a great risk of overwhelming stress and burnout due to the enormous responsibility put on them. But as the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” So what are some realistic ways to “refill your cup?”

The first step is to create space and time to care for yourself. Think of hobbies you enjoy and make time for them. Staying active and getting quality sleep will also help you keep up the stamina you will need to continue providing good care to your loved ones. Your community can also offer tremendous support. Many support groups, both in person and online, can connect you with others going through the same struggles. They may provide resources like respite care, tips for caregiving and even counseling services.

Lastly, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. Caring for an aging parent can bring up a rainbow of emotions and letting yourself feel them without judgment can help you process them. The work you do is important and even if you feel alone, you are part of the roughly 154,000 caregivers in Hawai‘i. You are not alone in this. Don’t forget to fill your cup!

MANOA COTTAGE KAIMUKI
748 Olokele Ave., Honolulu, HI 96816
808-800-4089 | info@manoacottage.com
manoacottage.com
University of Hawai‘i Center on Aging-Resources:
manoa.hawaii.edu/aging/organizations
Caregiver Connection of Hawai‘i:
caregiverconnectionofhawaii.org/support-groups

Caregivers are at a great risk of overwhelming stress and burnout due to the enormous responsibility put on them. But as the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” So what are some realistic ways to “refill your cup?” The first step is to create space and time to care for yourself. Think…
The Goodbye That Continues to Wave

When I was growing up, it was a custom for my family to wave goodbye to those leaving after a visit. We waved at the door, the end of the driveway and the airport. We waved until we could no longer see them, their car or plane! With tears in our eyes, we waved. In our hearts we already longed to see them again!

When we left for school or work, my mother would stand and wave until we were out of sight. There was something reassuring about seeing her, knowing she would be there when we returned. I guess that’s the power of the goodbye wave. It’s a physical confirmation of love.

Now, in her final stage of dementia, my mother has been in and out of hospice four times. Each time was a goodbye and each time I waved goodbye — each time, with tears in my eyes. Each time, I relived the grief of losing her. Each time.

Most days, I’m overcome with emotion, yet I cope, thanks to weekly support sessions. Please get the support you need and also remember that you are not alone.

GIMME A BREAK
808-754-3787 | gab808.org
Online support sessions are held Tuesdays at 8pm:
gab808.org/support-sessions

When I was growing up, it was a custom for my family to wave goodbye to those leaving after a visit. We waved at the door, the end of the driveway and the airport. We waved until we could no longer see them, their car or plane! With tears in our eyes, we waved. In…
The Elder Care Playbook

Maui resident Petra Weggel learned about caregiving the way most people do… the hard way, through the trial and error of first-hand experience.

“It is incredibly stressful to witness the decline of an aging loved one while at the same time thinking about your own mounting responsibilities,” Petra said in the introduction of The Elder Care Playbook. “You probably have your own job, a family or significant other, and bills that are piling up. To deal with all of that while also knowing your parent’s affairs are a mess can leave you feeling lost and hopeless. If you’re like I was, you won’t even know where to begin…” In her effort to help others deal with the challenges of caregiving — and especially for those who cannot become a full-time caregiver for their loved one due to distance or other factors — Petra wrote a well-organized, thorough guide, complete with checklists.

“It’s for everyone like me in the Sandwich Generation who can’t bring a parent home to live with them but still wants to ensure they’ll be cared for.” You don’t have to be physically present to do your part, she says. Petra suggests you contribute to the welfare of an aging loved one like she did, by becoming a care organizer, while still working and attending to your life.

Through personal anecdotes, Petra shares many aspects of organizing care, why you must put your own well-being first, along with coping methods to deal with frustration, guilt and helplessness.

“It is much easier to care for an aging loved one when you’re prepared,” says Petra. “However, you will always need to expect the unexpected.” She wants you to think of this book as not only a tool for planning,
but also, your inspirational support manual. She shares how you really can find time for yourself, avoid burnout and help the person you care about at the same time.

Petra discloses that the book is not a comprehensive text on the subject of senior care or caregiving, but she has broken the caregiving process into digestible, understandable chunks. Where you begin ultimately depends on your own circumstances, your loved one’s health issues, your relationship to each other and your own particular family situation.

The book is all about helping you adopt a positive mindset so you can spend each day in a way that feels meaningful instead of overwhelming, as Petra says, in order to “make every day a good day.” Disclaimer: This book is not intended to offer legal, financial or healthcare advice.

THE ELDER CARE PLAYBOOK
808-205-1269 | author@theeldercareplaybook.com
theeldercareplaybook.com

Maui resident Petra Weggel learned about caregiving the way most people do… the hard way, through the trial and error of first-hand experience. “It is incredibly stressful to witness the decline of an aging loved one while at the same time thinking about your own mounting responsibilities,” Petra said in the introduction of The Elder…
Advice for Gen Xers Taking Care of Boomers

Gen Xers are going to repeat what we Baby Boomers have been living through — caring for our parents and children while managing everything else. We can help our Gen Xer children by organizing our affairs and vowing to be practical.

Overcoming practical issues is not as difficult as managing the emotional dynamics of caregiving. Here are some suggestions from a Baby Boomer to a Generation Xer:

Listen: Listening and creating moments of shared communication can change your caregiving world. If cognitive issues make that difficult, listen for what can be shared — even for the 50th time. Soon enough, there will only be silence.

Set limits for yourself: You will face conflicting emotions. You must work to keep life in balance. Everything will not be what you wanted or expected. Your parents’ finances, personal strength and healthcare needs may make aging at home impossible for them. Be open to the alternatives available without guilt.

Accept imperfection: Accept what help is available and offered — even if it is not perfect or what you expected. Caregiving does not mean you provide all the care. It means you ensure that care is provided.

Remember, the moment in front of you is all you have. Be patient and do the best you can.

THE CAREGIVER FOUNDATION (nonprofit)
926 3rd St., Pearl City, HI 96782
808-625-3782 | info@gary-powellthecaregiverfoundation.org

Gen Xers are going to repeat what we Baby Boomers have been living through — caring for our parents and children while managing everything else. We can help our Gen Xer children by organizing our affairs and vowing to be practical. Overcoming practical issues is not as difficult as managing the emotional dynamics of caregiving.…