Recently, my wife and I received sad news from one of our best friends. Her husband had passed away. While processing our own shock and sadness, we asked ourselves what we could do to help and comfort her. When we asked her if she would like us to come right away, she declined. Then she asked just my wife to spend a few days with her around the time of his celebration of life.
I didn’t feel hurt that she did not ask me to come with my wife. I thought about her request and the needs of an increasing number of people in our age group after the loss of a spouse. I recalled Sting’s words, “The bed’s too big without you.” The loss of a life partner affects every part of life. So it made sense that our friend wanted only my wife to come. Being with another couple might amplify her new solitary state—the fact that she is no longer part of a couple. So having one person there might better help her deal with her initial stages of grief.
To console our friend, my wife and I agreed that it would be best to keep our expressions of sympathy brief. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” There is no explaining the death of a spouse. Our words, perspectives and predictions of the future in an attempt to comfort, can inadvertently serve as painful triggers. Our well-intentioned attempts to comfort may actually make things worse, bringing crisis, not comfort. We decided it may be better to express our sympathies with long, warm hugs and brief, heartfelt words.
Also in the category of unintended consequences, doing something as simple as making a traditional casserole for a solitary grieving person may only accentuate their new state of solitude. Instead, if you share a love for a special dish, make it and bring it over to their house and join them for dinner. Or, a change of scenery via an outing to lunch or dinner may be another option.
A practical way to help out may be an offer to be their chauffeur or “executive assistant” for a day or two, as needed. There are multitudes of necessary tasks that can be overwhelming in those first days and weeks. Sorting through bank accounts and insurance policies, along with many other details, can prove to be daunting. With so much to do, just ask how you can be useful.
But simple, quiet companionship may provide something far more comforting than a casserole or a car ride. Your presence alone may gently spark shared memories and fun times, giving your friend the opportunity to reminisce, laugh, cry and open up on their own terms, in their own time. Your friend may derive the most comfort in the quiet of you just being there.
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