The first step in the estate planning process is learning. What do you need to learn? I suggest this as your starting point: You need to discover how to stay in control of your stuff while you are able to be in control, as well as how to be sure that that your wishes will be carried out when incapacity or the grim reaper catch up with you. Sorry to rub it in, but at least one of those things is going to happen to you. Odds are that both of them will.
Estate planning attorneys help their clients make sound, intentional decisions relating to their estate plans when they manage to help clients minimize guilt, conflict and anxiety. At the same time, survivors should be allowed experience the natural process of grief.